• Queer Pleasure

The Ultimate Guide To Strap-On Sex

Updated: Sep 14


Sportsheets Em.Ex. Harness: Contour

Strap-On Sex: any form of sexual interaction in which one or more people wear a harness with a dildo to interact with a partner. I wanted to leave this definition wide open because, while my experiences with Strap-On sex have largely been where I, a cisgendered lesbian penetrate or am penetrated by another cisgendered woman wearing a harness, this is not the only way folx can engage in Strap-On sex. Wearing a Strap-On for aesthetic reasons, double penetration, group play, peggings, or strap blow jobs are no less valid and no less fun!. Strap-Ons can be purchased as a harness and dildo separately or as a set where the dildo and harness come together, sometimes permanently attached. Personally, I am a fan of purchasing the two separately as I find single dildo harnesses can be rather limiting; I like different things on different days you know? In this guide, you’ll find as much information as I can provide **currently** about Strap-On sex and hopefully, you’ll walk away from it feeling a bit more ready and excited to try out something new (or just switch up something you already do). 


The Harness:

There are two main styles of harnesses: the underwear-adjacent kind and the more industrial, leg strap variety. The underwear adjacent kind can be…

  • More comfortable

  • Easier to wash 

  • Easier to wear under clothing 


While the leg strap variety can be …

  • More accommodating of different bodies 

  • More stable (in terms of holding a dildo in place)


All of these features vary from model to model but those are the main few features that seem to apply categorically. Prices can range from around $20 to several hundred for custom leather harnesses and features can include but are not limited to: 

  • Adjustable straps: to fit changing bodies or multiple people

  • Flexible O-ring: the thing that holds a dildo

  • Bullet vibrator pocket(s): for stimulation of the wearer or receiver

  • Machine washable: easier to clean since Strap-On sex can involve fluids


Whether or not you need any features beyond just the ability to hold a dildo on a body is up to you. 


My Harnesses Pick:

My favorite harnesses are the Sportsheets Em.Ex. line: they’re comfortable, machine-washable, and they just look and feel good. The material is stretchy--similar to that of a bathing suit--which allows for solid stability of a dildo during use and they have a nice little place for a bullet vibrator, allowing the wearer to get some stimulation. I’d recommend the Em.Ex. harnesses whether you’re new to harnesses or looking to get something a little nicer than a basic double-leg strap harness. 

The Em.Ex. line is good for packing since they fit and wear like normal underwear beneath clothes. This is also great if you want to wear a harness under clothing (with or without a dildo/packer) for seamless integration into sex. The Em.Ex. harnesses are NOT a one-size-fits-most harness, but they do have a solid size range, starting at an XS going up to a XXXL. My only qualm with these harnesses is that the O-ring can’t accommodate a dildo with a diameter greater than 1.75, though this won’t be an issue for most users: keep this in mind if you like using dildos that are significantly larger than average.

The Dildo:

The dildo is an essential part of any Strap-On set up and can have a lot of range since any dildo with a flared base can be used in a harness. There are also Vac-u-lock dildos and harnesses for bigger dildos, like those from Hankey’s toys. For an in-depth look at how to pick out a dildo that will work well for you or your partner(s), click here for my complete dildo guide. 

Some great beginner options are the Blush Avant P3 Dildo, Uberrime Splendid Small, and Tantus Silk as they’re all modestly sized, easy to maneuver in a harness, and not too textured. 


The Talk (But This One Is More Fun Than The “Birds And The Bees”)!

Perhaps the most important part of introducing Strap-On sex to your life is discussion with your partner(s). Strap-Ons can feel a bit odd at first and having an open dialogue can help any giggles or awkward moments that occur come and go without ruining the mood. I recommend having the harness wearer(s) wear around a Strap-On around the house to just relax or do chores so that it doesn’t feel so foreign on the body. In my experience, this really helps the wearer feel good and move with ease. Honestly though, I feel weird as shit my first time wearing a harness, and it’s totally okay if you do too! Harness play will be a different experience for everyone but at the end of the day, just work to be open with others and communicate your needs and feelings. 


But Like, How Do I STRAP Someone?

Well, again, it’s a little different for everyone. If you are not someone born with a penis, it may feel a bit awkward at first, but just like anything else in the realm of sex, different folx enjoy different things. Start slow and gentle: whether a dildo is entering an anus or vagina, it’s best to get warmed up and aroused first and use lube liberally, applying it to both the dildo and the outside of the orefice it will penetrate (if that’s the goal). Communicate with your partner(s) to see how they’re doing and adjust the speed, rigor, and length of penetrating strokes as desired. With that said, I want to say as loudly and clearly as possible that IT IS OKAY IF YOU OR YOUR PARTNER DOES NOT WANT TO BE PENETRATED QUICKLY, DEEPLY, OR ROUGHLY. If you decide that faster or more vigorous strokes are your thing, go for it! But please don’t feel any pressure to replicate penetration that you’ve seen in porn. Go at your own pace and do what feels good for you or your partner(s).

At the end of the day, having sex with a Strap-On is about making you and your partner(s) feel good, so have fun with it! And if it ends up not being your thing, that is 100% okay. 

May you have lots of fun with your sexual adventures, 

A.





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I'm A. (she/her/hers), a clueless lesbian and blogger. I started this blog because I grew up in a small town where sex--especially queer sex--wasn't talked about. I was a determined youngster and managed to scrape the bottom of the internet barrel to find the information I needed (and later, the information I wanted). Now that I've learned a bit about queer pleasure in all of its forms, I wanted to create the resource I wish I'd had; a place where I could read about someone else's experiences and learn about sex from a pleasure-centered perspective. If you have a question about something or want me to cover a certain topic, just shoot me an email! Chances are, I've been there and would love to help or at least offer some moral support, and who knows, maybe others could benefit from a post about it. 

 

Stay safe, be gay, and abolish the police, 

A.

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